Hello 2019!

What I’m leaving in 2018:
• Self-Deprecation
• Overindulgence of internet applications, food, and other unhealthy habits
• The phrase “I can’t”
• Not stepping up to the plate: that’s for the birds.
• Indecisiveness
• Comparison

What I’m bringing into 2019:
• Self-care
• Love
• Being a beginner
• Determination
• Healthy tools for a progressive present and future
• The phrase “I can”

What are you leaving in 2018/bringing into 2019? ✨💛🎉

For the last few years, I have had my photo taken on New Years Day, upon an open road, symbolizing a blank page, fresh start, new ventures ahead. 2️⃣0️⃣1️⃣9️⃣ is no different.

2018 in a few words:

Brutal, Beautiful, Irreplaceable.

This year has been one hell of a ride. If I shared every lesson with you, every pivotal moment, we’d be here until 2020. So I think this year’s recap will be shorter than the last, but we’ll see how it goes.

Let’s start at the beginning. Countless times over the last year, I viewed it as one that I wish I could have skipped over, slept through, or called in sick too. It seemed as though I had been hit from every angle; disagreements with loved ones and foes alike, falling outs of the worst kind, physical ailments, myself and others, mental struggle, gut-wrenching fear, lack of career prospects, deflating self-confidence, financial instability, you name it, it was dropped into my bucket. The days seemed to become monotonous, the experiences shared semblance with Ground Hog Day, and I was just plain tired of it all. You know the sort of moments where you question, is this happening to everyone or is it just me that is being tested? That was my reality. At least it remained as such until I underwent a shift, it’s origin is one that still remains a mystery to me. Somewhere along the way, a light turned on within the vast darkness I had enveloped myself in, intentionally and unintentionally, and it was then that I saw my reality in it’s rarest form, 2018 proved to actually be the best year of my life thus far. It was the sort of experience where I wished for change so deeply that I indirectly blinded myself, unable to see the progression of what I was already experiencing; to put it simply, I was already in the midst of living my way into the change and inner peace that I had desperately wanted for myself the year, months, days prior and I was taken aback. How long had I been lying dormant, waiting for something I was currently accomplishing? It didn’t matter now. I simply remember seeing the world completely different; brighter, more beautiful, less harsh, and infinitely precious. That very light allowed me to see the most crucial pieces of who I am, the direction of my journey, and my role in each portion of my life that I both succeeded in and struggled with, and how they all go hand in hand.

Here’s why:

* No one is going to come and save you.
* No one can save you from yourself and that is sort of the beauty of it all. The key to growth is learning to save yourself. I went through my day-to-day as if the universe owed me something, a sense of entitlement I guess I used as armor for most of my life, one that I have now since removed. This world owes us nothing, but can teach us everything, if we are open to it.
* Time heals all wounds.
* 2017 for me was the most painful year, one I never believed I’d survive, but I did. 2018 was brutal and raw in it’s lessons, experiences, and truths, and I didn’t think that I’d be able to rise above and through the darkness, but I did.
* Celebrate the small stuff first.
* Throughout my short 30, almost 31 years, I have had trouble seeing the good, the positive, the progress in my own life and decisions. The irony? I have always been able to celebrate those very same things within the lives of the ones I love and even complete strangers. Why was it easier for me to look outward rather than inward? The best gift 2018 has given me is the ability to look inwards and celebrate the smallest of steps, the biggest of feats for myself, not for outward praise. I learned to clap for my damn self.
* Find your outlet. Find multiple outlets. Throw yourself into them.
* I never understood the importance of an outlet and the even greater importance of finding one for yourself. Throughout my life, I was given options, too many on occasion, which in turn overwhelmed me and the fear of letting others down if I didn’t like what was offered outweighed potential enjoyment. I never allowed myself the opportunity to stray outside the lines of what others thought as best, and throughout the last year, I dove deep into the unknown. I became a beginner on a daily basis. I learned to bake, I learned to cook, I learned to take control in a kitchen of my own. I found my own outlet and that is priceless. Finding what makes you feel a sense of pride and helps you to feel alive, what gives you purpose and enriches your days, that’s what matters. Doing what you love truly is invigorating.
* Not every battle needs to be fought. Not every word needs to be spoken.
* Yes, not every word needs to be spoken. But, standing up for yourself takes many forms. I have had to make some very hard, heartache inducing decisions in the past 12 months. I never really learned how to stand up for myself in a healthy way. I’d internalize and compartmentalize my pain, my hurt feelings, my bruised ego in ways that I viewed as “dealing with” said emotions but in fact, proved to be detrimental to my growth. This year taught me that expressing my feelings with maturity, kindness for myself and the other party(ies) allows for progressive healing and sets up a foundation for healthy communication. Always speak your truth, but try to learn how others need things to be heard too. Validate yourself first and foremost. 2018 taught me that another person’s actions/words/experiences, are just that, theirs. They have nothing to do with me. It is my choice to internalize and take offense. I tried on compassion in a different way, it made all the difference.
* Give. Give more. Then give some more.
* Learning the balance of giving of myself and of giving to myself was my most precious lesson of 2018. I have been the sort of person that would give, and give, and give of herself at the expense of her well being. I’d claim that it was just “the type of person I am” and “Well they would do the same for me” and my favorite, “I do it because I want too, not because I expect anything in return.” Now, let’s start by saying, I believed and stood by each exclamation. However, I wasn’t really aware of the issue I was causing for myself, the neglect of my mental stability and what I was actually asking for by doing for others at the level to which I was doing. I claimed I didn’t expect, but I was sorely mistaken. I heard a quote once that went something like this, “What if what you do for others, you actually turned around and did for yourself?” It opened up my world. I began to see that doing for others is only enriching when you have zero expectation of reciprocation, do it for the goodness, or not at all. I recently fed the homeless on Christmas Eve, for no other reason than because I wanted too. Again, this world, the people in it, they owe you nothing. Anything that comes your way is a gift, a lesson or an added bonus. Treat it as such.
* Whatever you do, do it with love.
* Love is complex, life-altering, and soul igniting. I’ve never really understood the meaning or power of unconditional love until Ian came into my life. Now, there’s a love that you have for your family, for your friends, that’s a separate and special sort of love. When it comes to sharing your life, the deepest parts of your soul, baring your vulnerabilities and trusting within in another soul to remain by your side through it all, that’s a different sort of love entirely. To my love, my light, and the most precious portion of my heart, Ian C. Albright, 2018 was wonderful in large part to you and how you’ve transformed my world. You singlehandedly made me feel safe yet challenged, protected and provided for, and deeply, deeply, loved. I admire your strength and I value you immensely.

Thank you 2018. You have been a year filled with humbling experience, deep introspection, challenging opportunity, raw and crucial truth. You were my year of self-actualization. Here’s to 2019, to what I’ve deemed as my year of manifestation.

Health and Happiness everyone. Be kind to one another.

Love surrounds you.

Do you ever have one of those moments where you feel as though you’ve been touched by someone who has passed on?

Stay with me here.

I cozied up next to Ian, sipping my coffee and changing the tunes as we drove the back roads towards our home which are all seemingly normal actions to start my day. All of a sudden, I was overcome with what seemed to be excitement mixed with a huge dose of nostalgia, an almost innate longing for what, I wasn’t quite sure. So, I looked up from my lap, half expecting what I was longing for to magically present itself right then and there before me. The coolest part? In a way, it did.

We had arrived in an area that I hadn’t been back to more than once or twice in the past 10 years. An area, that was ingrained in my memories, in who I am, in what I stand for. We were less than a mile from my grandparents home, and that feeling, that mysterious wave of nostalgia that came over me, was what I believed to be a sign from my grandparents, a gentle nudge of, “Hey, I’m right by your side.”

Take your next right at the Kiss n’ Ride,” I said to Ian, “It’s the house on the corner.” There it stood, in all it’s beautiful, simplicistic glory, the house in which I spent precious days of my childhood surrounded by the deepest love. The memories flooded; the images of myself no more than 7 standing in the yard, green grass flourishing, looking up at the house thinking, I love coming here. I could smell the rye bread with breakstone’s butter just out of the toaster oven and my Mom Mom’s oil of olay lotion. I could feel the sunlight on my shoulder, coming in from the back porch window over the blue and white couch in the living room. I could feel the wood of my grandmother’s jewelry box and the excitement that I felt as my fingers traced each necklace, all different weights, textures, styles, as she let me dress up as her for a little while.

I remember the nights spent sleeping between them, feeling untouchable, knowing that in the morning, we’d share breakfast and have some sort of great adventure.

I remember my grandmother having a stroke and my grandfather building a ramp for wheelchair before they ultimately sold the home. The dynamic between us all changed shortly after the move, maybe even prior, but that doesn’t matter to me now because the love, oh the love, it only grew. I watched my Poppy take care of his wife and devote what he had left of himself and his life, to her. He visited her twice a day in the nursing home, ultimately joining her there, and now, they are together.

That home, those memories, they are mine. That home, those memories, they are a part of what has shaped me into who I am today. I spent the better part of my childhood enveloped between two of the greatest souls I’ve ever known and they never let me be afraid to be who I was and celebrated me every chance they got.

That house symbolizes an untouchable time of joy, filled with hand holding, belly aching laughter, endless kisses, comforting food, lifelong lessons I wasn’t even aware I was retaining at the time, leading by example, strength, undying support, and unconditional, raw, irrevocable love. My poppy called his family, his children, his grandchildren, all of us, his wealth. Not until I got older did I realize just how perfect and true that statement was and still remains to be.

The most special part of this was that the love of my life was right by my side, supporting me as my grandfather supported my grandmother. Placing me in a position to have a wonderful trip down memory lane and to get to know even deeper parts of who I am, and for me, that is irreplaceable.We sealed it with a trip to my grandfather’s favorite deli, “Pastrami on Rye” he’d always say to me, when I asked what he was hungry for or what he could eat. So that’s what we did, “Pastrami on rye,” I smiled. This one’s for you Jerry, you perfect human you. 51 loves you.

So, the moral of the story? Be open to signs. Be open to opportunities. Talk to those you love even if they’re gone in physical form. Place yourself in the way of happiness and good feelings. Love is all around you.

I find myself sitting here, 10+ years later, still hesitant to press the “Post” button. I refuse however to let that hesitation, keep me from sharing this.

(Trigger Warning)

You never know when you will be triggered. As it goes with assault, your control is relinquished with this aspect too. First and foremost, I am a woman. I am a sister. I am a girlfriend. I am a daughter. I am also a victim of sexual assault, of rape, but more importantly, I am a survivor.

Rape: such a nasty, demeaning, shocking word, as it should be. It is a disgusting, brutal, DESTROYING action: and it happened to me. But it does not define who I am.

I am a woman who was sexually assaulted; This is my story. The details are not important to this post, but are important to my healing. What I find to be crucial and to be part of my reasoning behind sharing this publicly is to let the women in my life know that you are not alone. At the time, my control was relinquished, my confidence and idea of personal and physical safety shattered. My voice was stolen from me, I lost my ability to advocate for myself, or maybe I wasn’t given the time to develop the tools to do so in the first place before this happened to me. I kept silent due to shame. Was it something I did? Something I wore? No one will believe me. Even more, I found myself protecting men who stripped me of personal dignity and of loving the body I lived in. Physical touch became foreign, feared, almost mechanical. Emotional connection was something I craved but couldn’t allow past a certain point, trust was non-existent. I became content in avoidance and ridden with guilt that wasn’t mine to own.
I learned to compartmentalize pain in such a way that I wasn’t aware of specific details, parties involved, and my pain became a foggy, distant shadow in the corner of my peripheral. My memories became buried and I was able to function, on what I believed to be a normal level. But what is normal? Last year, I suffered an emotional breakdown due to unforeseen triggers of what I thought I had “taken care of”. I was triggered and my life stopped. I became paralyzed.

You never know when you’ll be triggered. Hindsight is always 20/20. Now, through seeking counsel, a safe haven in therapy, I have learned what it means to debase my rapist, and am attempting to redistribute blame and ownership that was never meant for me. I’ve begun to find my voice, but a stronger, clearer version of it. For over 10 years, I’ve felt as though I’d been holding my breath, waiting for that deep winded sigh, for the moment where my breath could just escape me and I could unpause the portions of my growth that were stunted that night. To share this level of vulnerability and personal trauma in such a public setting, to share these portions of my soul period, is the LAST act I ever imagined myself doing. But there is beauty in vulnerability, there is strength in numbers. The important piece to know in any of this chaos is to let the women in your life know that you love and hear them. There is deep power in the validation of being heard, of having your story shared with other survivors.  

You cannot silence me, you cannot silence us. To all the special, beautiful, STRONG women in my life, you are believed, with every fiber of my being. To all the men that get the privilege of walking alongside these warriors, open your eyes, your ears twice as hard and rather than trying to fix, simply create a safe space for them to stay awhile.

Hydration is key.

I teamed up with Nalgene recently to review one of their incredible bottles, and I jumped at the opportunity. If you haven’t snagged yourself one, here are just a few of the reasons as to why I swear by mine. 💛💦 

“105 miles to go”, the ranger said, as we entered the park. “It will take about 3 hours to do the entire length of the drive and you’ll be able to catch the sunset on your way out.” As we sped off, I was overcome with excitement, the sort that only arrives when you’re about to embark upon something new. You know the one; the excitement that is also paired with a tinge of nervousness. There is something to be said for getting lost for awhile. I find that I am able to breathe deeper, pause a little longer, and overall, observe simplicity without hesitation when I’m enveloped in nature.

As we made our way through the winding back roads of Shenandoah, Sultans of Swing filling our ears, overlook after overlook enticed us to pull over, what seemed like, every other mile. “How will we be able to accomplish even 5 of the 105 miles if we keep stopping at every photo opportunity?” We laughed. We were in no rush.

Road trips are my happy place; they bring the purest form of adventure and allow for not only new experiences but opportunities to challenge one self as well. On the road, as well as within every day life, hydration is key, Hence why, Nalgene one of the first items on my “never leave home without” list.

This one-of-a-kind brand is reliable, their customer service is attentive and their products speak for themselves.

• BPA Free
• Leak Proof
• Light weight
• Impact Resistant
• Affordable
  

Come on now, what more could you ask for? When it comes to honoring one’s health and hydration levels, there’s really only option: Nalgene.